Sacrebleu!

Bad news from Capitol Hill — the noble stand against the insouciance of "Old Europe" that many of our fine elected officials (e.g. Bob Ney, R-SCANDAL) took near the start of the Iraq War has fallen victim to a "cut-and-run" flanking maneuver by some unnamed fifth column in the House cafeteria. The Washington Times has the scoop:

The fries on Capitol Hill are French again.

So is the breakfast toast in the congressional cafeterias, with both fries and toast having been liberated from the appellation "freedom."

Three years after House Republicans trumpeted the new names to get back at the French for snubbing the coalition of the willing in Iraq, congressmen don't even want to talk about french fries, which are actually native to Belgium, and toast.

Neither Reps. Bob Ney of Ohio nor Walter B. Jones of North Carolina, the authors of the culinary rebuke, were willing this week to say who led the retreat, as it were, from the frying pan. But retreat there has been, as a casual observer can see for himself in the House's basement cafeterias.

I can't help but worry that this means the terrorists have won, but maybe I'm not giving proud patriots like Ney and Jones the benefit of the doubt. What if Ney and Jones are playing it close to the vest for reasons of national security? What if this is all part of some top-secret operation to identify al-Queda operatives working at our breakfast bars and lunch lines?

As a proud patriot myself, I know I shouldn't really ask any questions. But at the same time, thousands of greasy-spoon diners throughout the country need the critical culinary nomenclature guidance that only Congress has the time and resources to offer. Without endangering our troops in the field, we need to conduct an immediate classified investigation, and then quietly disseminate the results through a organization with the proper clearance and protocols, like the CIA or the CIA.

If we have to go back to calling them French Fries to better wage the war on terror, so be it. I wouldn't be happy about that, but war is hell.